If Obnoxious Had Another Name

It would be manifest in this smartphone

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Head Image
© 2017 Vertu

While it does indeed have some of the best specs currently on the market, you have to be a goddamn crazy person to pay anywhere from $9,900 to $20,900, just so you can have a really obnoxiously named color and material combination. The list includes: Jet Calf, Garnet Calf, Grape Lizard, Pure Jet Lizard, Jet Alligator, Pure Navy Alligator, Clous de Paris Alligator and Pure Jet Red Gold.

I mean, of course I knew obnoxious had synonyms, in fact, a great many of them. I just didn’t know it could be manifested into a smartphone company (or did I? looking at you, Apple).

Either way, Vertu is here and is ready bringing a whole lot of obnoxious.

For those of you unaware, Vertu is an incredibly expensive smartphone manufacturer that produces entirely unnecessarily high cost devices. Case in point, the brand new Signature Touch.

While it does indeed have some of the best specs currently on the market, you have to be a goddamn crazy person to pay anywhere from $9,900 to $20,900, just so you can have a really obnoxiously named color and material combination. The list includes: Jet Calf, Garnet Calf, Grape Lizard, Pure Jet Lizard, Jet Alligator, Pure Navy Alligator, Clous de Paris Alligator and Pure Jet Red Gold.

Let me tell you something kids, when the creepy dude tries to make you pay four digits for anything called “Pure Jet”, it’s bullshit.

Because let us be frank, here: this isn’t privilege, this is bullshit.

Sure, it’s pretty nifty. The titanium device runs the famous Snapdragon octa-core 810 chipset, with 4GB of RAM, which makes it pretty powerful. It has 64GB of internal storage that can be expandable on a microSD card, which is something other companies like Samsung are turning away from.

Let me tell you something kids, when the creepy dude tries to make you pay four digits for anything called “Pure Jet”, it’s bullshit.

But please, people. It has a 5.2-inch screen, which is already tiny and feeble, but when you tell me it is only a 1,080 x 1,920 pixel LCD display, it makes it pathetic and makes me want to laugh or cry, I’m not sure which just yet. Sure the display is covered in sapphire crystal, but really what the hell is the point of that?

It has a 21 megapixel main camera with an f/2.2 aperture that is frankly nothing special but it can capture 4K video. It’s been paired with a mere 2.1 megapixels in the front, which, for this price, is offensive.

It runs Android Lollipop 5.1 out of the box, which again is kind of lame, because everybody knows Marshmallow is already up and running.  

It did get a boost in battery from last year’s version, up to 3,160mAh, but again, I’m not sure how that really justifies the price.

The new Signature Touch supports QuickCharge and Qi wireless charging.

Apparently this crazy stupid device will go on sale to crazy stupid people starting October 16. The price is based (obviously solely) on which combination of metal and (stupid, so stupid) exotic leather that you choose.

So anybody calling this luxury tech? Just no, okay? Just no.