You’re an oversharer. Talking to your social network how you talk to your best friend, telling it every piece of irrelevant information about your day/mood/toilet habits. And then posting all the best quotes from your hilarious conversations with actual human beings.
You use language that doesn’t make any sense to the normal outside world. Examples include “I saw it on FB”, “Retweet me”, “Insta that one” and “Don’t Snapchat that”. All very acceptable words, no?
You haven’t rang a customer service number in, well, ever really. Instead you tag them in an angry tweet, wait for them to reply to you, and revel smugly in the belief your 160 characters have the power to bring down the whole company.
Twitter is your main source of news each morning. Going on an full news website is so two years ago, and don’t even get us started on actually leaving the house for a physical copy of the paper. There's real people out there. And you would probably have to change out of your pyjamas.
You're familiar with that feeling of happiness when your likes on instagram turn into a number. Yep, you know the one. The one that makes you feel like you just aced an exam. But if the likes don’t all roll in, you’re also guilty of the shameful (but subtle) delete. You have standards to keep up, after all.
The first thing you reach for in the morning is your mobile. Sometimes you even sleep next to it; it takes up less room in the bed than your real partner anyway. And look at all those beautiful notifications waiting for you to open.
You only actually watch about half of every tv program because the rest of the airtime you spend tweeting about it. Do you know how many more retweets you get for being the first to comment on how much work that judge on X Factor has had done?
You feel a tiny bit lost when you go to the toilet without your smartphone. Now you can’t quickly check how many people favorited your tweet, or send that Snapchat of you 'sittin on toilet’.
You can’t begin eating at the restaurant until you’re sure that the photo of your meal is at just the right angle, with adequate lighting for the filter you want to use.
You get confused when people ask you what happened on your weekend. Did they not see all those hilarious instagrams you uploaded of your night out? Or that tweet yesterday about how hungover you were? Well clearly they don’t deserve to be part of your perfect follow-to-following ratio. You’ll delete him once you’ve finished making this coffee and scrolling through Facebook.
When you meet new people you’ll stalk their Facebook pictures back to at least 6 months ago to work out if they’re a suitable companion. Photos should be a good mixture of attractive, funny and well-travelled. Captions and comments are also taken into consideration.
But god forbid you accidentally ‘like’ somebody’s photo from a year ago. Now they’ll know that you 1) have nothing better to do than scroll through all their old posts, and 2) are a bit of a creep. Dammit.
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